“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent; it is the one most adaptable to change.” – Charles Darwin
Why do some people choose one path and others, with similar life experiences, choose completely different pathways leading to trauma and more pain? How many of us actually pause to consider our choices? Choosing differently involves change and change can be scary. Deep within us is untapped courage, power and potential. If we are curious enough to look and brave enough to explore. There is so much power in choosing. Especially if you are seeking to enhance your life. The majority of us want to improve our lives, we think about it, even make conscious decisions to start the process but our subconscious mind holds us back. It wants to feel safe and comfortable in the known, rather than the unfamiliar unknown.
How many aspects of your life have you actually chosen? Or have you taken on or inherited them from other people? Many of our decisions are influenced by the choices of others, such as friends, family, or social media. Most of our decisions are taken for granted. We are often oblivious when we have made a choice. Decisions are frequently made by default or habit without us being consciously aware of them. People like familiarity. They become ignorant to the fact that there were alternative options available. Those who are mindful of other options are most likely unaware of the multitude of alternatives available.
Daily choices can range from whether to wear a skirt or trousers to work, if you should eat toast or cereal for breakfast, or whether or not to take a coffee break. Future choices can include what University to attend, which career to choose or where to live. These common examples are limited, even though they offer alternative choices. A daily breakfast choice is not just restricted to cereal or toast. There are many more options available such as bacon, bagels, salmon, pastries, granola, yoghurt, eggs – poached, scrambled, fried- the list goes on and on. People have the ability to actively select between multiple possibilities. In order to choose effectively we must slow down and evaluate the options before us and the likely consequences based on our intelligence and prior experiences.
What is Choice?
To make successful choices it is important to define what choice actually means. Individuals select choices by deciding which of two or more options or alternatives will bring the most benefit. Every second, every minute, every hour, people make decisions regarding their thoughts, feelings and actions. Developing conscious and effective choices begins with becoming more self-aware. Intentionally choosing, rather than blindly reacting to situations while ensuring our choices are in line with our values and beliefs. Outcomes result from the choices we make, whether we are successful or not, triumphant or defeated. We can rise above our challenges or sink further down into our own miserable pit. We can choose the hero’s journey or the pathway to victimhood. The choice is always ours to make.
Whether or not you are aware of it, keep in mind that you do have a choice and free will. The first step to changing your life is to make the conscious decision to and have faith in your ability to do so. You can wake up thinking about how depressed you feel or what a bad day you had yesterday or how badly the last year has gone for you. Alternatively, you can choose to wake up remembering how far you have come. You can start your day thinking about all the things you’ve achieved, all the challenges you’ve overcome, or that time you were courageous in a daunting situation. You can choose to focus on all your talents and gifts or all the things about yourself that you consider to be flawed. You simply can decide to choose thoughts that are more beneficial and deliberately focus on them.
It is important to recognise that it is only you who can modify your beliefs, feelings and behaviour. Only you have the power to change your circumstances if you do not like them. Nowadays, there are multiple options, tools and techniques available for enhancing and improving your life. The most effective mental tool we have is choice. One well-known and highly recommended therapeutic method is cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). The foundation of the CBT model is the idea that our thoughts influence our emotions, which in turn influence our behaviour. When we change our thoughts, we therefore change the way we react and respond to life circumstances. Due to its highly reproducible structure and style there have been numerous studies showing that CBT is highly effective. These studies indicate our thoughts create emotions and our emotions impact on our behaviour and therefore our reality.
Choosing Differently
Choosing more beneficial and rewarding thoughts and behaviour is the most significant change we can make to enhance the quality of our lives. I have tested my ability to choose higher quality thoughts many times. When I notice myself starting to think negatively and feel my mood becoming darker, I have made a conscious effort to think about things that make me happy and grateful. I deliberately try to remember good memories, such as the laughter I experience with my children, the fantastic holiday we had in London together, fun family days out and any other recollections that bring me joy. By doing this, I notice the difference in my thoughts and feelings and my outlook immediately starts to become more positive. This changes the trajectory of my day.
I have found the most effective time to start influencing my thoughts in a more beneficial direction is first thing in the morning. Mornings are the most important part of my day in this respect. By getting my mind and attitude off to a good start as soon as I wake up, the rest of my day flows smoothly and it feels much easier to remain focused on higher quality thoughts and feelings.
A recent example was when I experienced a betrayal from someone I love. After ten days of crying and feeling miserable, I woke up thinking “Am I going to start this day positively or negatively? What could I be grateful for to get my day off to a good start?” I instantly thought about how I’d managed to sleep all through the night, whereas the night before I’d had a restless sleep. I felt a deep sense of gratitude for the restful sleep I’d experienced. I then looked out my window and noticed the heavy rain from last night had ceased. It looked bright and sunny outside and I started to feel grateful thinking about how nice the drive into work would be with the sun shining through the car window. I continued thinking about the things I am most thankful for as I got up and out of bed and into the shower. Thoughts like, “I’m so blessed that I have a good relationship with my children,” “I’m so grateful for my warm shower,” “I love the smell of my delicious raspberry and blossom shower gel” and so on. I kept these positive thoughts going and by the time I was out of the shower I was on a roll.
As the morning progressed into the late afternoon, I noticed my thoughts starting to turn in a negative direction as I contemplated the list of jobs I had to do that day and the argument I had with my partner a couple of weeks ago. The mind naturally wants to return to its old, negative, habitual programming. It happens automatically if we are not alert and mindful. In order to return to my happy thoughts I had to consciously focus and bring my mind back to remembering all the things I was grateful for and all the blessings I have in life.
Our decisions influence our feelings, ideas, beliefs, and behaviours. This means the decisions we take affect our emotions which overall impacts how things turn out for us. In other words, our experiences are a direct result of the choices we choose to make. By becoming aware of this, we can make wiser decisions. We have the potential to transform our lives from tragedy into triumph. Depending on how we respond to the challenges we face, our lives can either be filled with regrets, unrealised goals, and untapped potential, or a life that is truly passionate, rich, and purposeful.
Why We Don’t Change
One of the things I want to highlight is how hard it can seem to change. It appears simple but consistent practice and actually doing it, is harder than it seems. I have known the benefits of changing my thoughts, beliefs and behaviours for many years. I have researched numerous tools for changing and improving my life. I know all about the benefits of affirmations, mind over matter, focusing your thoughts and feelings on good things, daily gratitude and many others. In fact, I’ve known most of this “stuff” for decades. Why then, did it take me so long to produce some tangible change in my life?
Modern day living means we are so busy, from the moment we wake up until we go to sleep. We are checking our never-ending emails and messages. We are overloaded with daily pressures, raising children, thinking about the working day, thinking about what to make for dinner, thinking about parents evening at school, busy minds, thinking of all the tasks we have to complete. It can feel like there is not enough time in the day, never mind adding the extra job of consistently refocusing your mind, your thoughts and your feelings. This has been the main issue for me on my path to growth and healing. Knowing all this information intellectually but not actually practicing it. I had all the details I needed to improve my life but kept them tucked away in my head. I wasn’t doing the work.
On further research, I have found many other people to be the same. They have read countless books, attended numerous seminars, paid for various online workshops but haven’t actually put into practice all the tools and methods they learn. Therefore, nothing changes. The knowledge remains in their head and no improvements are seen on the outside. This is the hardest task for most of us. We don’t make the dedicated commitment and effort to practice all the processes we know will help us. Put simply, if you do the work your life changes. If you only learn about how to change and improve your life and do nothing about it then nothing changes. It’s like reading or watching a video about how weight-training equipment improves muscle mass and expecting your muscles to automatically grow.
Daily Practice & Consistency – The Magic Formula
Sadness, worry and suffering arise from the thoughts we think. Trying to ensure you are consistently thinking positively and not automatically going back into ‘victim mode’ is a daily process. I slipped back into old habits frequently as I journeyed through my healing process. Blaming my past, blaming my childhood, blaming my hard start in life, blaming my negative childhood programming, and even blaming God. I struggled immensely with releasing feelings of victimhood, especially when I saw other people receive love, caring, kindness and support and I felt like my life was nothing but struggle. Some days were harder than others. I learned to be easy on myself during those times.
Remember it’s not always plane sailing as you go through your own process of change. Sometimes you will be highly motivated to practice your newfound tools. On other days, you may think, “What is the point? It’s never going to work.” Or “It’s taking too long to see any progress.” Give yourself a day off if you need to. Just don’t give up completely. There are no quick fixes. Habits take time to form. Over time, it becomes much easier. It takes ongoing practice and daily action but the rewards are truly empowering and life changing.
The mind instinctively wants to return to the thoughts it is used to thinking day in and day out. Most of our thoughts are repetitive and negative. Picked up by other people, authority figures, social media and the news. It feels almost ‘normal’ to think about all the bad things that are happening in the world, or the disagreement you had with your friend, or the upsetting behaviour of a person who has hurt you but you have to consciously notice what your thoughts are doing and bring yourself back to gratitude if you want positive change.
Daily gratitude lifts our mood. The more it is practiced eventually it becomes a habit. . We can train ourselves to change in any moment we choose. Any day we like we can start afresh. We are free to begin a new way of being whenever we decide. We can choose to change today, tomorrow, next month, or next year. We have a conscious power inside ourselves, capable of creating the changes we wish to see in our lives. Ultimately, it is up to us.
Every Moment We Choose
Whenever we are thinking, feeling or behaving in a certain way, we must remember that we are choosing to think, feel or act this way based on a choice that we have made. If we are experiencing something we do not enjoy, we can use this opportunity to evaluate why we are feeling or acting in a certain way and explore alternative ways to respond in the future. This helps us build emotional resilience and we are able to deal more effectively with a particular thought, feeling or behaviour if it arises again. If you are unhappy with your circumstances, or feeling stuck with where you are in life, it is only you who can change it. Make a clear decision about what you want and start making choices that move you in that direction.
The great thing about choice is that you can choose again. You don’t have to continue with a particular pathway if you find that it isn’t making you happy. Choose again. Your choices are unlimited. We have the ability to choose our attitude to whatever we are experiencing. This is where our power lies.
Our choices not only determine who we are but also have an impact on others. If we are striving to be the best version of ourselves by the choices we make then we are, of course, having a positive impact on those around us. Possibly people may become inspired by us and feel encouraged to make better choices for themselves or by being around our positive energy it may help raise up the energy of others and help to enhance their mood. It also works in the opposite direction. We have all been around individuals who bring us down, just by being in their presence. Reflect upon the influence of other people’s moods and behaviour on your own. We are the sum total of our personality and character traits. If we are offering the best version of ourselves to the world, we are benefiting everyone we interact with.
Making the best choices is not always easy or simple, especially when they include other people, commitments or obligations, but your ability to trust in your choices will increase the more you do it. If you pause and ‘feel’ which choice would be best for you the answer will come. Inside of each of us is an inner knowing, our intuition, which knows which direction or choice will be best for us. We need to quiet our mind in order to listen properly and stop ignoring this part of ourselves.
People think that change is hard, some even think it is virtually impossible. However, the truth is we are free to change and choose at any moment. We are free to make any choice we want at any given time. Our choices determine the way we live our lives and the world we live in. We need to start taking our choices more seriously. It is up to us whether we will be joyful or sad. It is up to us to consciously make decisions rather than respond automatically and habitually. We have to train ourselves to pause and consider our best options in order to see any positive difference in our lives.
First Steps
I invite you to practise effective choosing. Think about all the choices you have made today, without being consciously aware of them. It may be beneficial if you write them down. Evaluate if you could have made different choices and the most likely outcome of those other choices. Assess which choices are simple to make, and which are more difficult? Consider who or what influences these choices? Below is an exercise that may help you to get started.
Exercise
- Pause and consider all your options
- Select the option you feel will be the most beneficial
- Follow through on your decision
- Evaluate the outcome of the choice you made
- Keep the choice or create an alternative
It takes a bit of practice to choose the highest option but the more you do it the easier it becomes. Our choices should not be taken lightly. They affect how we see the world, the quality of our relationships and how successful we are. You have all the power to change your life for the better. Do it now.
For more information:
You can visit my website via this link: https://www.thureyaroberts.com/
You can visit my personal YouTube channel via this link: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIwHgYaBcqIGV7GIDrBS9nw
You can visit my educational YouTube channel ‘Body Talks’ via this link: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcv9AXaBUAIVmeoDAM5bZpw
Find me on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/thureyaroberts/
Find me on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/thureya.roberts/